The Pros and Cons of Childless-Hood!

When I meet new people in a social (and sometimes business) environment, a common question I am asked is “How many kids do you have?”  Funnily enough, this question almost always comes before “Are you married?”.  Being a 41yo woman, I guess it is a natural presumption that I have kids, possibly even grandkids, and sadly most people assume that I have been married and divorced at least once by now.  Nothing kills a conversation more quickly than my prompt response of “No I don’t have kids and I have never been married”.  Occasionally there will be someone brave enough to venture into questioning why not.  


The quickest and easiest answer I tend to give is that I have never been the maternal type but it is actually a lot more complex than that.  I could cite a whole range of physical reasons including a long ago back injury, plumbing problems and blood type issues that could make it extremely difficult to carry a child if I was even able to fall pregnant.  I may have the good old child bearing hips but I’m convinced that when my maker built me, he didn’t read the instructions properly lol.  I can remember going to a female doctor about five years ago for a girly checkup and mentioned that I was concerned about my hormone levels.  Her callous and totally unexpected response was "What do you expect when you are 36yo and haven't had a child.  Of course your body will be out of whack".  Hmmm I didn't read the small print in my operating manual that stated it is compulsory to child bear to maintain peak health - my bad!  So much for thinking a female doctor would be more understanding.


Then there is the simple fact that I have always been more career focussed than wanting to be a mother.  Wow I just realised how foreign that sounds to me... me being a mother!  I did dabble with the idea when I was thirty but that was only a five minute dabble.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do actually like kids and even find them entertaining at times, especially when they are able to walk and talk.  Hand me a newborn and watch me go all shades of pale which is greatly amusing to the doting parents – the little blighters really scare the hell out of me.  The cold hard truth is that I never wanted to be in the situation of having another little person being totally dependent on me.  Call it selfish if you will but I wasn’t willing to have that kind of responsibility.


I grew up in a broken home, with a wonderful mother who gave us three kids everything she could, with an estranged father that didn’t know how to be a supportive father, either emotionally or financially.  I know how incredibly difficult it was for Mum to feed, clothe and give us all a roof over our heads and I always marvelled at how she always managed on her own.  Her strength and love was unfailing no matter how tough things were for her emotionally – we always came first.  Thanks Mum!  I have enormous respect for single mothers and I also have an enormous fear of being one which I believe is a key factor in my decision so far to not have children.


I have to say there are quite a few pros to being childless, such as only needing to worry about me when times get financially tough, freedom to make plans and come and go as I please, and the big one of not being forever connected to any of my exes which is a real blessing (sorry guys).  In fact, there are quite a few situations in my past that I have thought “Thank god I don’t have kids”, for their benefit as much as mine.


There is, however, one very big con about choosing not to have children not many people would realise and that is the after effects of a breakup involving someone else’s children.  In my past, I have had two significant relationships that have involved children.  Now whilst I have never wanted to be a mother myself, I do make a fabulous step-mum and have cared for those kids as much as I cared for their fathers – in the first case, more so (for those that have read my IBS post, I am talking about Dick here lol).  


My last relationship was a whirlwind that saw me gain an instant family of 3 kids (aged between 11 and 20yo) and 2 little grandkids.  I strongly bonded with his youngest 11yo daughter who spent a lot of time staying with us – I absolutely adored her and we were inseparable when she stayed.  I admit to nearly falling over when his 3yo grandson starting calling me Nanny Megs... um think we missed a step there somewhere as I had never been called Mum, let alone Nanny lol.  


Taking all these people on board as family is a big deal in anyone’s situation, but for a woman who has chosen not to have a family of her own, it is massive.  I felt like I was put behind the wheel of the Titanic with my only instruction being not to crash.  When my ex walked out the door, he took my surrogate family with him, without a single thought for me.  The big con here is that it is assumed by these fathers that as I have made the choice not to have children, I wouldn’t miss them.  In both cases, the fathers expressed true surprise that I was so upset at losing the kids.  Of course I have no rights to request keeping in contact with them and truthfully, I don’t think that would have been beneficial to any of us but that still doesn’t dull the pain of missing them, only time can heal that.  Having experienced this twice now, I can tell you that it is absolutely devastating on so many levels.


The motto of my story is simply to never assume – as they say, it makes an ass out of you and me.  Because of my age, a lot of people assume that I have kids and have been married/divorced and when I tell them NO on all counts, they may assume that I am self centred and don’t like kids.  We all have choices with what we do with our lives and whilst the demographers may be dismayed at my lack of contribution to the Australian economy (no future tax payers from this little duck), so far I am happy with my choice to be childless.


Of course, another motto is to never say never ;)


One of my more recent discussions with a male friend brought about the surprising and profound question “How do you feel about not leaving a legacy behind when you die?”.  My answer was that I didn’t have to have children to be remembered after I cark it.  I believe that my purpose in this lifetime is to be a catalyst for positive change in other people’s lives by teaching from my own experiences and leading by example.  My dream is to create a wellbeing resort that supports my purpose and whilst this dream is still a way off being realised, it is definitely in the Universal pipeline.  


This will be my legacy!


Take care and bye for now!
Smiles,
Meg :)