Is Vulnerability a Friend or Foe?

From a young age, I learnt that I needed to be strong and smart in order to survive.  I learnt to be stubborn in my independence and bold in the face of adversity.  I learnt that the only person that can take care of me is myself and that I was the protector of my family.  I learnt that showing (even having) emotion was weak and that people take advantage of weakness.


I have now learnt that all this is crap.  


Up until I was 30yo, I “thought” my feelings rather than “felt” them (or so I thought lol).  My standard practice when I had an emotion, would be to think about whether it was justified (in my mind) then if it didn’t pass the test, I would push it aside and completely deny it.  Handy tool to have when working in the police force but not so handy when you want to connect with people.  When I had my spiritual awakening, I discovered that as much as I tried to deny that I actually had emotions, I did have them and they were actually meant to be felt... oh the horror of it.  Once I got over the shock of this revelation I embraced the journey of discovering what all this meant.    Since then, I have not been one to shy away from the daunting challenge of trying to understand how I feel, even though I still don’t like feeling crappy lol.  


Today I found myself watching a talk on “The Power of Vulnerability” by American research professor Brene Brown and to say I found it challenging is an understatement.   One thing I realised is that in all the times I have analysed (yes very right brained of me) my ups and downs, not once have I really put thought in “vulnerability”.  In fact, I realised that I did everything in my power to steer well clear of it believing that vulnerability is dangerous and naive.  I simply didn’t allow myself to feel it.  Vulnerability is my enemy... or is it?


The talk was about Brene’s six year research into human connection and she focussed on a group of subjects who she believed lived life wholeheartedly and understood connection.  Brene says she discovered that those that had a strong sense of love and belonging, believed that they were worthy of love and belonging.  Brene also said, in regards to the common factors amongst this group:  “They had the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and the connection as a result of authenticity.  They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they are.  The other thing they had in common was that they all fully embraced vulnerability and they believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.”


 Wow... this blew me away!  Could vulnerability actually be a good thing? Or at the very least, is it something I can learn to live with?


For the last 16 months I have been on the most significant rollercoaster ride of my life to date.  I have had some great opportunities come my way, learnt amazing lessons about myself, discovered some new talents, met some great new friends, realised a new career direction and understood the true support my family and close friends offer.  I have also gone through the pain of betrayal, taken risks that didn’t pan out, put my trust and faith in people who, in hindsight, didn’t deserve it, and suffered massive financial loss and a business shutdown as a result.  The whole time, I have remained quite positive and stayed strong in my belief that no matter how tough things got, the good things were always worth the pain of the bad ones.  I have even, reluctantly, allowed myself to “feel” through this ride.


In particular, the last two months have seen me so far out of my comfort zone that I sometimes feel that I am losing sense of who I am – or maybe it is that I am creating a new sense of self?  Either way, I can’t shake the underlying feeling of being extremely “out of whack” and have had countless conversations with my beloved best friend in an effort to understand and get over this feeling.  She has mentioned the “V” word to me on a couple of occasions and whilst I heard it, my brain simply didn’t register it at the time... funny about that. 


Whilst watching the talk today, I realised that my feeling of being out of whack is due to not accepting that right now, I am totally and utterly vulnerable... vulnerable to rejection, to pain and to loss.  My work life, my love life and even my home life are all wrapped with uncertainty, and to be honest, at times I really struggle with the whole experience.   I want to be happy and content not scared and insecure – this is not my nature.


According to Brene’s finding, we need to be vulnerable in order to be connected and live wholeheartedly.  She also says that being vulnerable means to do something where there are no guarantees and be willing to invest in something that may or may not work out.   


Hang on just a minute – this is exactly what I am doing in both my career and love lives right now! So what on earth is my problem?  Ok BIG revelation moment (drum roll please)... I am so busy being terrified of vulnerability, that I can’t actually see that no matter how much I fight it, it doesn’t change the fact that I am vulnerable and it is this vulnerability that could give me everything I want!  Wow!  


So what am I going to do about it?  Simple... I am going to stop fighting it, step away from the fear and detach from all the “What could be’s” in order to allow “What will be” to come in.  I am going to find a way to embrace my imperfections and let go of my vision of who I think I should be and accept who I am right now.  I am going to let go of the need for certainty (though I would like just a little of it please lol) and accept my circumstances as being exactly where I need to be right now.  

Wish me luck!




Take care and bye for now!
Smiles,
Meg :)

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